10 Things You Need In Order To Be Recognized As a Taxi in Panama.

1. Do not under any circumstance drive a car with working lights both inside and out. If you need a working light inside, make sure it is not one that came from the manufacturer. Instead, use a neon cathode or a combination of bright ridiculous lights that make your car look like human's first contact with a fucking UFO.

2. Do not have a valid drivers license.

3. Do not pay any attention to road signs, traffic lights, oncoming traffic, cars in the lane next to you, pedestrians (unless it's a female of course; appearances don't apply), animals, crosswalks, police, speed bumps, or pot holes. You are a taxi; you are the king of the road. The only thing you need to pay attention to is hitting on the fat ugly bitch you have in the back seat.

4. Make sure the engine in your car is functional only for the day you are driving it. Try not to pay attention to any other part of the car. The floor has holes in it? So what, that's not a safety issue. No seat belts? Who cares, they are sitting in the back seat. Remember, being a taxi driver is all about not giving a shit about anything or anyone but your own pathetic existence (and even that is questionable).

5. Always have the mentality that driving someone to a destination is the equivalent of you carrying them on your back while sprinting through miles of broken glass naked.

6. Try to always be counting or holding your cash near your window in the off chance that a whore will look twice at you considering the fact that you have enough money to pay for a hand job in a back ally.

7. Flail your hands in a violent motion while in traffic. No matter the situation; be it a car accident or just heavy traffic. Complain and scream profanity at the fact that you can not move forward, and you need everyone to know about your unfortunate situation.

8. Green means go. Yellow means go. Red means go.

9. Before the light even turns green, honk your horn repeatedly to wake up fellow drivers that are obviously sleeping to alert them to the soon to be changing pace in traffic.

10. Whistle, honk, yell, and "psst" at anything walking that even closely resembles the form of a female body. Try to get its attention so that you can show you are obviously a success among success stories because you are driving a car.

Good luck in becoming another active member of the living breathing pieces of shit in this society,

-James.