10 Things You Need In Order To Be Recognized As a Taxi in Panama.

1. Do not under any circumstance drive a car with working lights both inside and out. If you need a working light inside, make sure it is not one that came from the manufacturer. Instead, use a neon cathode or a combination of bright ridiculous lights that make your car look like human's first contact with a fucking UFO.

2. Do not have a valid drivers license.

3. Do not pay any attention to road signs, traffic lights, oncoming traffic, cars in the lane next to you, pedestrians (unless it's a female of course; appearances don't apply), animals, crosswalks, police, speed bumps, or pot holes. You are a taxi; you are the king of the road. The only thing you need to pay attention to is hitting on the fat ugly bitch you have in the back seat.

4. Make sure the engine in your car is functional only for the day you are driving it. Try not to pay attention to any other part of the car. The floor has holes in it? So what, that's not a safety issue. No seat belts? Who cares, they are sitting in the back seat. Remember, being a taxi driver is all about not giving a shit about anything or anyone but your own pathetic existence (and even that is questionable).

5. Always have the mentality that driving someone to a destination is the equivalent of you carrying them on your back while sprinting through miles of broken glass naked.

6. Try to always be counting or holding your cash near your window in the off chance that a whore will look twice at you considering the fact that you have enough money to pay for a hand job in a back ally.

7. Flail your hands in a violent motion while in traffic. No matter the situation; be it a car accident or just heavy traffic. Complain and scream profanity at the fact that you can not move forward, and you need everyone to know about your unfortunate situation.

8. Green means go. Yellow means go. Red means go.

9. Before the light even turns green, honk your horn repeatedly to wake up fellow drivers that are obviously sleeping to alert them to the soon to be changing pace in traffic.

10. Whistle, honk, yell, and "psst" at anything walking that even closely resembles the form of a female body. Try to get its attention so that you can show you are obviously a success among success stories because you are driving a car.

Good luck in becoming another active member of the living breathing pieces of shit in this society,

-James.

Blind and careless zombie fucks who walk the city streets.

Picture this: I am walking on the sidewalk and there are two people walking towards me side by side, thus taking up the width of the cemented area that I am trying to walk on. You're next picture might be one of the two people moving behind or in front of the other in order to make room for the oncoming traffic (me, alone). Well... no, not going to happen.

I will need to either walk around them in the mud, walk on the street and risk getting ran over by a taxi or a fucking Jew in a BMW, throw a dollar on the ground towards the opposite side I want to walk on (causing a feeding frenzy event that mimics a pack of lions massacring their dinner; something one would only see on the national geographic channel), or stand and make like a light pole as they bump into me; forcing them to make room. I always choose the light pole stance.

Now, I have lived in many places and have walked many a sidewalk, but this is insanity and retardation in a mix and at it's peak. Every time I walk on the streets I feel like I just entered a sold out Jonas Brothers concert and I am trying to get front and center. Okay, maybe a bit of an exaggeration. Sold out U2 concert*.

Does the thought to move one foot to the side have an instant effect of down syndrome in your brain? Does a bomb go off in your empty head? It's funny because where I have lived there always seems to be a common sidewalk courtesy, and it goes as follows: make eye contact with the people coming towards you long before you pass each other, decide which side of the sidewalk you each will take, and get the hell out of the way. That pretty much provides a painless and easy passage for both parties.

Thanks and get the fuck out of the way you brainless idiotic monkeys,

-James.


To the readers: I know, it sounds like I am complaining about something small and you might want to tell me that it's no big deal to walk around a couple of people on your way to your destination. If that was the case, then you are right and it is in fact no burden. But this happens with 90% of the people walking on the streets, they either don't move or they make a fucking b-line right towards you. Move your fucking self one foot, I promise your heart won't rupture and you won't die.

Dear crazy screaming business woman in the office next to mine:

I am writing this to express my concern for my ear drums and potential outburst of violence towards you.

Yelling (in a foreign language to boot) can be annoying. You are not the most subtle sounding person on the phone. I am trying to work, but my brain feels like it's being force fucked by a jackhammer over and over the second you start "talking" on the phone. I don't suspect that you are doing this intentionally of course. Maybe it has something to do with your size- you know how they say obese women come packaged with a big voice and of course an even bigger appetite. Like your husband for example; you must have had a huge appetite when you met him because he is twice your size. I digress.

Thank you for your time and please shut the fuck up,

-James.

Dear scooter and motorcycle drivers of Panama.

Dear licensed riding, law abiding, traffic sensitive, pedestrian aware, fun loving scooter and motorcycle riders of Panama City, Panama,

GO FUCK YOURSELF. Can I please walk to work one day without fear of getting ran over like a small animal while I cross the street AT the crosswalk, UNDER the traffic light, WHILE said light shows red? When the light is red, and I know I don't have to remind you (because let us not forget you are licensed and law abiding), but let me say it anyway...it means STOP. Stop and let the people walk across the street. You people act like functioning retards when you ride motorcycles. TRAFFIC LAWS: TRY THEM, THEY WORK IN EVERYONE'S FAVOR IF ABIDE BY.

Thank you,

-James.